A better mom at 45.

Sharing is caring!
Facebook
Google+
https://itsatwinkielife.com/2017/04/25/a-better-mom-at-45/
Pinterest
Follow by Email
RSS

Newborn twins and me

Now before all of you young mammas out there get up in arms and think this is a contest in comparison of young parenting vs. old parenting, it is not. This is about my experience and what i know of myself now vs. when I was younger.

Recently I read an article shared by Scary Mommy about how there was this study from Denmark  that showed having children later in life resulted in socially and emotionally better adjusted children.  This article went on to say how older moms are better because they are more patient, there is less yelling, they are more established financially, and so for all these reasons, they found children of older moms were more stable.

The first thing that struck me about this article was the amount of nasty comments, mostly from younger moms.  They kept reiterating things like “stop all this comparison, I’m not old and my kids are well behaved,” or “stop all the mommy shaming, enough with the sanctimommies.”  Different variations of the same angry comments.  All these women had totally missed the point of the article!

It was actually an article directed at the very people who would shame older moms for waiting to have kids later in life. They threw in a study about how kids from older moms are well behaved to support their statement that having kids later in life is not a bad thing.  There was nothing in there saying “I’m a better mom than you because I’m older.”

The other thing that struck me about this article was the assumption that older moms are automatically more patient and less likely to yell because of their age.  Huh yeah, no.  I’m probably way older than the moms researched in the study, and I can tell you advanced age doesn’t necessarily mean you are more patient or have less tendencies to yell.  Maybe I’m the exception to the rule, I don’t know.  I did grow up in a house of loud people; okay, yellers.  I like to say we are passionately loud.  I was a yeller pre-kids, and I’m working on being less of a yeller now.  I was definitely not the most patient person in the world before my twinkies, and I’m working on increasing my patience levels now.  I’m getting there, but I can tell you, I still have days when I cringe at myself after having a mommy meltdown.  And I’m 45.

The thing about having kids, twinkies to boot, is that it teaches you so much about yourself.  It’s humbling to realize you may be a psycho, and you need to fix yourself before you ruin your kids.  The first year was probably when I had the most mommy meltdowns.  Now I know some will say “oh it’s normal, it’s the lack of sleep, it’s the sheer amount of work that goes into it when you have twins, it’s the breastfeeding.”  Yes, all of these things are true, I’m sure they contributed to it.  But, what I realized after a while, is that I would loose my patience and yell (at babies no less, I’m such an asshole) when I didn’t feel in control.  I know, I know, parenting means lack of control, you can all stop laughing now.

You must be sitting there reading this and thinking ‘I thought this post was about being a better mom at 45?’

The thing is, motherhood isn’t perfection, whether you are old or young.  Older doesn’t mean you always have your shit together, but can you be better than the day, the month or the year before?  Yes, absolutely.  Can you be better because you are a different version of your younger self?  Definitely.

 

SO, HOW AM I A BETTER MOM AT 45?

For one, the struggle that I went through to have my twins really makes me view motherhood with a whole lot of gratitude.  I tend to focus more on the positive, than the negative.  When there are bad days, I don’t dwell on them, I don’t let them overshadow the good days, the good moments, the incredible love I feel for my sons.  It also helps to have a nice stiff drink at night on those days.  But really, the most I feel is overwhelmingly lucky, and I thank God everyday for them.

Twinkies and me

I’m also able to handle the challenges of raising twins with a practical mindset.  I’m super organized, I don’t get easily scared.  Shit after all I’ve been through, raising my twins is a piece of cake.  Okay, that’s an exaggeration.  But really, I’m just able to take things as they come.  I don’t get boggled down by the “OMG this moment sucks,” or “it’s so hard to breastfeed them at the same time (when that was the case),” or “I wish I could get more sleep.”  I just go through the moments as they come and JUST DO IT.  Yes those moments may suck, yes I may bitch and moan about it in the moment, but I don’t dwell on it.  And as I mentioned earlier, a stiff drink at the end of the day always helps when the going gets tough.  Although, I couldn’t do that when i was deep in the full-time breastfeeding stage.

Now I do have a confession to make.  I did have an advantage unrelated to age that probably fed into my feelings of gratitude and taking things in stride.  I was extremely lucky to have my parents by my side the first 7 months of our twinkles’ lives.  I remember my mother once asking me, after they had left back to Portugal, “isn’t it hard doing it by yourself during the day? Are you having a hard time?”  I think she thought I was going to be a mess once her and my dad left.  Heck, I thought the same exact thing.  And maybe this is an age factor, or maybe it’s just a ME factor.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be.  Granted the hardest had passed.  The sleepless nights, getting the heck of breastfeeding, the colicky phase.  Now they were sleeping through the nights, except when teething roared its ugly head.  Even so, I expected to be a mess when they left.  Instead, we fell into a rhythm, we established routines, we went through all the different phases really without too much of a struggle.  Although I will say, the solid food stage really sucked.  Really for me, the hardest was dealing with my own character flaws as I saw them.

Lastly, the one thing that definitely makes a difference with having kids later on, is the financial stability.  I’m able to stay home with them and delay going back to work until I’m ready.  Not having the constant worry of “how are we going to afford all these diapers, all these clothes, all this food” definitely helps.  Yes it’s tight, but we’ve got savings, and my husband is well established in his career.  It also helps that I’ve gotten all my party days out of my system. I had 2 decades to do that, so now I’m perfectly content staying home with my family.  Heck, I prefer staying home with them.

More importantly, I know that I’m a much better mom at this age than I would have been in my 20s or even my 30s, knowing what I know of my younger self.  If I didn’t have to struggle to become a mom, maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated my twins as much.  If I had been younger, maybe I would have resented them because I would want to have free time and fun.  I don’t think I would have felt the gratitude I do now.  In my battle with infertility, I gained a profound appreciation for motherhood and having my sons.  From the pregnancy stage until now, there isn’t a day that goes by, that I don’t thank God for my double blessings.

For all these reasons, I’m a better mom at 45.

Sharing is caring!
Facebook
Google+
https://itsatwinkielife.com/2017/04/25/a-better-mom-at-45/
Pinterest
Follow by Email
RSS

24 thoughts on “A better mom at 45.

  1. Maria

    I remember seeing that post by scarymommy..and I was in awe at the comments on there from OTHER MOTHERS in general. I don’t really think it matters when you have children because it’s no one elses. I feel like we all gain wisdom from our own experiences in motherhood. I honestly love hearing from moms older than me, it doesn’t matter if its a few years or ten years. It could be my aunt, my grandma, or my mother-in-law. The point is, everyone does it differently and everyone has something they do well, that another mom doesn’t. What’s even better at having to share with each other is the fact that we learn from one another. We are a village, and we may not personally know each other or each other’s families, but what we can offer on stranger bases is wisdom. Wisdom we can take or not.. Thanks for sharing how you rock motherhood, because at the end of the day.. there’s truly very few who can. We all try, but not all succeed. That’s the truth. Not everyone are good moms, whether that may sound judgmental or not.. it’s a fact. It’s a sad fact, but it’s a fact. Hope you’re well and your beautiful twinsies. xo –https://imommy.co

    • Liz Farris Post author

      I agree Maria, it takes a village, and we can all learn from each other. I bet some young moms have some cool hacks I don’t even know about. Motherhood is definitely a learn as you go job! I think we all do the best we can, and we all rock it one way or another. 🙂

  2. Kayla

    That is too bad that younger moms had so many negatives to say about that article! Moms of all ages should just support each other. That is awesome that you are able to stay at home with your little ones…I am doing the same thing and am so happy I get to. That is definitely an advantage to having kids a bit later!

    • Liz Farris Post author

      Yes, moms should be supportive of each other. We’re all doing the best we can. I’m definitely thankful I get to stay home with my twinkies. It has been the best time of my life even if it’s challenging at times. I’m glad you get to stay home with your little ones too 🙂

  3. Ellen @Younglovemommy

    I read that article, reading the comments section in most articles are a No-No. I believe every one of us can be good moms at any age and like yourself each of us have different ideals of how motherhood should be and that’s alright with me.

    • Liz Farris Post author

      Absolutely! In my case I think I would have been a reluctant mommy if it happened when I was younger. I was too into partying, I don’t think I would have approached motherhood with as much gusto or appreciation. It doesn’t mean that moms can’t be good when they are younger, definitely not. I know young moms who are totally rocking motherhood.

  4. Dilraz

    My first was born last year – I was 29. Considered older than most back home. But this was when i felt emotionally financially physically and coupe-ly (yes i made that up – meaning we felt comfortable and settled enough in our marriage) to bring a new member!
    I think it really is all about being ready. And age was a huge factor in tht for me!

    • Liz Farris Post author

      Yes readiness does make a difference. You go into it more accepting of the challenges, than if you are unprepared.

  5. ejnosillA/RedefiningHERstory

    To me… when you have children later on in life… you have lived some and have some wisdom to share. These young children are too busy trying to play and really don’t know how to raise children… but in all fairness… my children weren’t birth with a parenting manual… Just Saying…Happy Mother’s Day!

    • Liz Farris Post author

      I think motherhood is a learn as you go job, full of surprises, and just when you master one phase, boom another one shows up and you are scrambling to figure it all out. It’s still the best job I’ve ever had 🙂 Happy belated Mother’s Day!

  6. Rambling Mum

    I think there are benefits to both – older women are more mature, but younger women have more energy! I’m glad I waited to have kids as I was definitely not responsible or mature enough in my 20s, but I think back to all those nights when I was out partying all night and think I might have dealt better with the sleepless nights at that age 😄 Depends on each individual as well too

    • Liz Farris Post author

      Lol ah yes those party nights! Oh I don’t know if more energy means you could have dealt better with the sleepless nights. I think it’s rough no matter what. I’m definitely glad that’s behind me!

  7. Lexie @ mommyhomemanager.com

    I think what a lot of people get crabby about is that we associate age with maturity. I definitely think that people who are emotionally “older and wiser” are better equipted to be parents. That doesn’t mean that younger people are worse parents, it just means that they may have to work a little harder.
    The financial point is a great one. I do sometimes envy people who have their finances sorted before having a baby. We are still in a lot of debt just from being young college graduates, and having paid more of that off before having a baby would have benefited us!
    Thanks for sharing.

    • Liz Farris Post author

      I agree, younger parents can be just as good as older parents, it really depends too on who they are as a person. It’s definitely tougher to raise a child when finances aren’t stable but it’s still manageable. Hope your college debt disappears soon!

  8. Sarah

    I had my first child at 25, my second at 29 and my last at 32. I definitely feel calmer and more in control this time around so I completely agree with the article. Yes I had more energy when I was younger, and I love all my children just as much, but emotionally, I am now more stable, which shows in my parenting.

    • Liz Farris Post author

      That’s great! You have a frame of reference having had kids with some years in between, each one probably prepared you more for the next.

  9. Bailey | Simply Mom Bailey

    You are an amazing mom.

    As a ‘young mom’ I wonder all these things if I would be a better mom at 45. I struggle so much with my youth, inexperience, and naive view of the world.

    • Liz Farris Post author

      Aw thanks! Don’t worry about your age, motherhood is a learning process regardless of age. I’m still learning as I go. We all do the best we can. I just know my younger self wouldn’t have appreciated motherhood, I was too into partying back then 😉

  10. Kristen @ Kandy Apple Mama

    YES. You are a wonderful, powerful, badass Mom. Age is just a number. I love your insistence that it’s not older vs. younger because I know some younger moms that rock and some younger moms that suck. It’s about the person, not her age. Get on with your bad self, Mama!

    • Liz Farris Post author

      🙂 Awww thank you! True, I know young moms who are badass too! Definitely more about the person than age.

  11. Jasmine

    you have def found some positives to your age and motherhood-i dont think anyone is ever fully prepared at any age

    • Liz Farris Post author

      Yes motherhood is definitely a surprise 😉

  12. ohmummymia

    Every Mom who loves her baby is best one:) doesn’t matter in what age she is. I’m not the youngest because I was 29th now I’m 30 and there are so many things I don’t know and still learning about motherhood

    • Liz Farris Post author

      I agree! all moms regardless of age are the best. I’m just better now than I would have been in my 20s or 30s self. I was way too into partying back then! 🙂

Comments are closed.